I depart now, as these “breakdowns” (more accurately terms “disintegrations”) are so painful and not something to be endured. It is only fortunate that today I managed to write this as usually I withdraw, retreat and disengage. I just escape into a world of filth, fantasy and solo-eroticism as pornography serves as companion and friend. It allows me to live the live i can never have so long as I do not have the resources or even the language to express this pain. […] I usually drift off when I experience this pain because it is so deadening. It means I want to die. It means I no longer want to be here where I do not belong, where I am not welcome, where others have engineered an environment so fatal that I just want to die. I usually escape through the medium of pornography as it enables me to live a lie. It enables me to be transported to another world where I do not have to deal with this pain which they have created within me. I no longer have to confront that void which erupts into my consciousness and which cannot e done away with through positive talk, and self-help. It means I need to die as that will be the only peace I have; the only way to stop the pain, and the murder which takes place without any bloodshed. I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am not frustrated. I am not impressed. I am oppressed. […] I go off to my consumption as it eases the pain. With that, less blood goes to the head, as instead, the rush just leaves my body and for a moment, yet again, I am free from thought. I cease being so volatile and charged with that ferocious flame, which only embitters by burning with a rage which I can not even express. I want to be free but will never be free unless justice is done. I will never be free until the white world does what thousands of years have proven they cannot be trusted or relied upon to do what – daily case studies demonstrate and prove – they cannot do and that is, our wait, our patience, our desperation, our demand: getting white to do the right thing.
* I have recently been thinking about Jiddu Krishnamurti’s “Freedom From The Known” as I am always wondering about where people hide their depth, which itself, seems to be born of their discontent. People seem to be discontent because they have ambitions and aspire towards things which are not always achieved, and then they compare themselves to others who realised these things. I guess people prefer to joke or do whatever they can to avoid dealing with this deeper reality which afflict them, and which they are reminded about, in silence, and when they are alone I guess they like to distract themselves with partners and companions who assure them enough to forget about who they really are, and what really goes on, and yet, in spite of the exotic exterior, this pain is still beneath, even if, about it, people rarely say a word. This pain has to be there because there is pain in the earth and we are the earth; we are not people; we are the planet, even if it is external, and of a different shade. Either way, this pain must live and will live until our priorities are in order and this must follow from perspective. The reality is oppression and we can not tolerate oppression for anything longer than a moment, never mind a day, and yet, oppression exists and persists. White supremacist persists and with that, violence continues to flourish. We put up with these things and in our sickness even devote ourselves to distractions like gun crime, political scandal, celerity gossip or the pursuit, engagement and maintenance of sex, as they allow us to escape from dealing with the itch we cannot scratch. Nevertheless, it is there and we know its there. It guides so much of our lives and yet, we don’t want to notice. We prefer to be less than discerning wishing it would just go away, and yet, it will always be there, ready to unleash into the next generating, and explode into the next generation, about which, we say that we care. If only the non-conscious we not so profane; if only they knew, they would never use these words.
In our attempts to ward off this torment; this terror, we do things we later deny as so many of us are so understandably ashamed and yet, it only means we come to be duplicitous, and people who cannot be believed. It only means we lie to the next generation even though to them we are genuinely obliged. It means that accurate information is not passed on; it means we come to also teach them a lie; it means that they do not get prepared to deal with the warfare; it means they cannot unction because unlike us, they do not known. It means we teach them to be happy when looking around, we should all be so very sad. We teach them to be in opposition to reality, to avoid their pain, but if Batman can live with laws then let us devise some also with the number one being that to children, WE SHALL NOT LIE. We must tell them as much as is heavenly possible, and about that which we cannot speak, we must not decline, however, we must tell them as much about everything for they are not the future; they are the earth. If the beautiful ones are not yet born, let things fall apart and above all, tell them the truth. That I am far form crazy, even if I am not quite sane, but tell them to interrogate sanity, and have them ask if sanity is anything they should aspire to want; ask them if they would benefit more from being authentic than they would from being sane. And if ever I do die, tell them I did so because I was at peace with myself t and honest enough to no longer want to tolerate this place of misery and pain; that I could not belong o that which was violence; that I could not partake in that which oppressed; that I would not cooperate with it and that I protested, resisted always, and did what I could to always be against. Tell them that I couldn’t be silent and I didn’t just sit by, but after you have told them that, tell that I should have and could have been a better person; that I was not always honourable even if I so desperately wanted to be. Tell them that on many occasioned I misused times, and I was not honest, and that because of this, many people were harmed and hurt. Just tell them what they need to know even if at present, we can’t always agree on what this is.